I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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