only if we run a train.
done.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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