Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
