I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
