I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
