Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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