that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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