we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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