Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
