I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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