hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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