she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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