Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
bring money and cleavage
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
