im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
