Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
