As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
