Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
