I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
