it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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