I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
