We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
