just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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