I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
