i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
