He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
