i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
