I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
