Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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