i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
