y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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