i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
