Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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