Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
