I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
