I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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