matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
