hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i love accidental penises.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
