Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
