Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
