Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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