I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
