I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
