Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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