i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
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You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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