wanna go halves on a baby?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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