Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
