I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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