I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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