she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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