god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
