just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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