OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
