I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
