I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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