The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
