I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
zippers are such a cool invention
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
