I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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