it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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