My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
