i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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