After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
where does the pee come out of this thing
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
