Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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