ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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