i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
