can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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