My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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