How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
